Spring Production Audition Information 2019 – Panto-esque
Audition Pieces – Panto-esque
GRAYGAR and BILGE
‘I am Graygar of the Haunted Lands of Sorn (previously known as Amersham) possible son of Thranghed the Player. I was once a feared warrior in the mighty Army of Darkness and Despair, now I am a wretched nobody wandering these strange lands alone.
He steps into the green area, sword ready to defend himself
Bilge the Boggart approaches…he is green and slimy and thinks of himself as something of a comedian
‘Wotcha mate….Blimey, I should have gone to Specsavers for some dark shades.’
‘I have no idea what you are talking about, foul creature.’
No need to be rude. You are the one looking like a walking disco ball.’
‘I still have no idea what you are saying.’
‘Have you looked in a mirror lately, you are sparklier than a sparkly thing that fell into a shiny, sparkly barrel of extra sparkly glitter. And sequins….
really sparkly ones.
Graygar growls in fury, tries to brush it off but fails.
‘Sorry, no discos around here, mate. King Pravis has banned anything fun.’
‘Don’t you mean Prince Pravis? The idiot who slid of his horse because his armour was polished too much and was extra slippery and shiny? The coward who ran away from the great army of Darkness and Despair at the first sight of evil clowns armed with custard pies and cave trolls with their aunties?’
‘Well he is the king now…his parents decided to retire to the Costa Lotte. He has a wife, Queen Melanie and a daughter… ah…the lovely Princess Sweetpea, though she would be even lovelier if she was green and slimy like me.’
This land sounds absolutely dreadful. (dramatic) Where I come from it is always midnight with a full moon, with occasional thunderstorms to add a bit of dramatic atmosphere The forests are full of howling werewolves and bats flutter in the sky. A land of mystery and dark enchantment. This place just seems, well , just a bit silly.
Actually it is very silly and that is just the way we like it. A place to do as little work as possible and have lots of fun. (his voice turns sad) Well, it used to be. Things changed for the worse when Pravis and Melanie became king and queen and they employed that horrid Sideborg as chancellor. They always do what he tells them to. The only good thing is the Princess. Everyone loves her.
Graygar sighs sadly and wanders around the apron.
So, what are we going to do with you, Mr Graygar. You are most welcome to stay in this land. We have plenty of sparkly things here…the fairies love plenty of bling. And we have star spangled unicorns and magical glittery mists in our enchanted forests. At Chrinkletide, our winter snow is a marvel to behold, not just white snowflakes, ours fall in all the colours of the rainbow..
I am sorry, Bilge, thank you for the kind and welcoming words but that sounds horrid for a Night Elf like me. I don’t belong here, I don’t belong anywhere now.
Bilge puts a comforting arm around the desolate elf
I have an idea. There is an Unwise Woman in Fuggis Mire, not so far away. At least there usually is. She is away at the moment, visiting her aunty in Penge. But
Enid Sogge, a water nymph who is an old friend of mine is looking after the Unwise Woman’s cottage with all her spells and potions. Maybe there will be a
potion can get rid of all that glitter.?’
‘Really? Oh my green new friend, that would be so wonderful. How I want to return to my old appearance and be able to go back home. Would you take me there?
Of course I will, old chum. Happy to be able to help. There’s not much for a boggart to do around here, to be honest. An adventure is just what I need.
ENID AND BILGE
Enid and Bilge exchange knowing looks as Bella and the elf leave the stage
‘So our part in the story is over. We brought them to the Unwise Woman’s cottage and did our best to help poor Graygar.’
‘But their story is just beginning and I fear it will not be a happy one. They won’t be welcome in either kingdom…’
‘What about the Enchanted Forest of Mnnnn? That’s where the Bright Elves live.’
‘And the most boring place in this land. Have you ever asked a Bright Elf for the time?’
‘I have never asked anybody for the time…that’s what the sun is for and who cares if a boggart is late for anything?’
Enid reaches into her clothes and brings out a little book
‘It is all here in the guidebook to our world…let’s see, page 22 and a half
‘Warning to Travellers,
‘The Forest of Mhmin is a large area of tangled, haunted trees, a place where some of the most annoying dwellers of this world live. Everything that inhabits the forest tries just a bit too hard to be fey and mysterious. It is highly competitive. The result is that it is impossible for a visiting stranger to have the simplest conversation.
‘For instance, if you are forced by circumstance to ask a tall, elegant elven warrior the time, he will lean on his bow or staff and glance meaningfully into the distance for at least twenty minutes, usually a lot more before fixing you with the full force of his wondrous shimmering eyes and in a voice full of portent and meaning, declare;
‘The shining golden orb that brightens the azure heavens hath made but a small passage of his eternal celestial pilgrimage. The haunting beauty of the silver lady is still a slumber in her star-strewn chamber and will not grace us yet with her gentle presence, we must bide our time to seek audience with her….
‘By that time the traveller may have lost the will to live.
‘Maybe not there then, I cannot see Bella or Graygar being happy in the Forest. What a dilemma. They would not be welcome in the night or day world. But our bog lands are always murky, always in between the others. We can make them happy there.’
‘I agree, but no more awful elf jokes, ok Bilge?’
‘I agree, that would be far too ‘elfish’
‘Let’s hurry and catch up with them’
BOTTLE and SORGHUM
‘What’s the matter Sore Gums? Looks like you have ants in your pants’
‘I have you know there are no insects in my pants but I do need to go to the bog…and my name is pronounced ‘Sor Ghoom.’
‘But we are off to the bog now, Sore Gums.’
Sorghum (getting more agitated)
‘Not that kind of bog…’
‘What kind….a swamp, a mire, a bayou, a fen, a marsh or a quagmire?’
‘Sounds like you have swallowed a dictionary. Fancy knowing all those words.’
‘Actually I did…my mother told me I swallowed a whole dictionary when I was a baby.’
‘It must have been a very small dictionary’
‘I was a very small baby.’
Sorghum rushes off stage for a few seconds before rushing back…he looks relieved
‘Phew, that’s better. Oh no… there is no sign of the King and the rest of his men. We are lost! Does that dictionary tell you how to find them?
‘ Easy…the track, path, way, trail, route, conduit is covered with glitter…if we follow that we can catch up with the king and our fellow enforcers, soldiers, militia….
Sorghum interrupts…frightened Sorghum
‘But also the unknown, scary sparkly thing and the evil boggart!’
They depart , looking around them nervously
MELANIE, PRAVIS and SIDEBORG
The town square
The Queen and Sideborg are in a huddle to the side of the stage while King Pravis is about to address the townsfolk
‘This is not going to plan, Sideborg. In fact it is a disaster. My daughter has run away and could be in great danger when she should be safe in Dumplingland as their queen. And the King is not going on a perilous adventure far, far away but organising a rescue party. She couldn’t have got far. They will be back by sunset and your plan will be ruined.’
‘My plan? Surely you mean our joint plan, Your Majesty?’
‘I said exactly what I mean, Sideborg, you are just a minion. I am the Queen of the Land of Light and Happiness. I cannot make devious plans to rid me of my fool of a husband or inconvenient daughter who stands in my way to have the crown all to myself.’
Sideborg knows better than to disagree with the Queen and bows in a grovelling way
‘But of course Your Majesty, you are as always correct.’
The King arrives to a wonky fanfare and a feeble cheer from the crowd
‘My dear townspeople and any grimy peasants away from working in the fields. Our beloved Princess Sweetpea has been abducted by some foul fiends. My vole spies tell me the villains were a Boggart and some sparkling thing. We will ride boldly from Castle Valiant’s gates to Fuggis Mire to rescue her and bring the bold rogues who stole her to justice. Who is going to join me on this glorious quest?
A few unenthusiastic cheers, most of the townsfolk sidle out of sight. Only one person raises their hand…Wheatley.
Melanie Stamping her foot and interrupting petulantly
‘It is called Castle Petunia! That is why it is a pretty shade of bright pink and has a tea room now instead of a smelly old dungeon. How many times do I have to remind you, Pravis? And anyway, she was not abducted, she ran away. Nobody has seen any boggarts away from their swamps for centuries. And I bet they made up that bit about a sparkly thing just to add some extra drama.’
‘And they say voles never lie… even if they can only squeak.’
‘There is no need for you to remind me about the castle, oh light of my life. How can I forget when this mighty, undefeated stronghold built by my courageous warrior ancestors, now looks like a badly painted ice cream parlour.’
The king paces up and down, he is very angry. Sideborg is alarmed, he has never seen Pravis so angry. He turns to the Queen for support but she pushes the chancellor aside roughly.
‘And now there is a tea room but no dungeon! So what am I to do with these kidnappers when I capture them? Give them a nice pot of Earl Grey tea and a round of tiny cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off? Followed by chocolate cake and scones with cream and strawberry jam?’
‘Well, Your Majesty, that actually might be an excellent punishment for a boggart, they dine on slimy pond scum and green bog water. Not sure about the sparkly thing though, who knows what that is and what it likes for afternoon tea.’
‘You are the kingdom’s chancellor, Sideborg. I want a dark, dank dungeon back in Castle Valiant by the time I return with my beloved daughter and those rogues in chains. Do you understand?’
Sideborg bows low as for once Melanie stays quiet…she is not expecting the king to return.
The king and one follower, Wheatley, from the town march out of square in a noisy fanfare and clatter of hooves. Melanie brings Sideborg to the front of the dais
‘Now that fool…I mean my beloved husband, the king has left, I have a task for you.
‘But your gracious Majesty, I have one already…I have to build a dungeon. You heard the King give me his orders.’
‘The only prisoner in that dungeon will be you, Sideborg if you disobey me and build it. The King must not return. Do you understand. There is only one person capable of ruling this land and that is me!
‘With my help and guidance, of course Queen Melanie.’
‘That all depends how you help me with this scheme. First, round up all the voles, every last one of those noxious little beasts. I do not want the king to know of my plans.’
Sideborg looks confused…the voles at the side of the stage look alarmed and scamper away.
‘But Your Majesty, everyone knows it isn’t the voles that tell tales, they can only squeak. It is busybodies among the townsfolk and peasants who come to me in return for payment. Turnips for the grimy peasants and custard cream biscuits for the townsfolk.’
‘I have never taken you for a fool until now, Sideborg. Cunning, ruthless and a complete grovelling boot licker, yes, but never a fool. I want every vole in the kingdom captured and silenced, do you hear me, Chancellor, every… single…furry …little…vole.’
Melanie leaves the stage leaving Sideborg behind, a few townsfolk return nervously
What am I to do? If I obey the king, I will anger the queen. If I obey the queen, I will anger the King.
VIBART, THRUNG, HARMINICA, JAIMEE, CHLOOEY
Stop! Stop all this frivolity now! ‘Iblis T. Thrung, what are you doing?
Have you gone completely crazy? ‘
‘We have always celebrated the Feast of St Epiliga in this village and
nothing is going to stop us having a good time.’
‘But the King has banned it…There will be trouble for all of us if he finds out’
‘How will he find out? Are you going all the way to Castle Valiant to tell him?’
‘I won’t need to….the fields are full of voles and they are well known to tell tales about people. Sneaky little animals. And it is called Castle Petunia now. Painted bright pink too.’
Everyone laughs at this suggestion which makes Vibart even angrier Vibart shakes his head and mutters as Thrung goes into a speech.
‘When I was a little kid, I loved the Feasts of Chrinkletide, Wolfsbane and St Epiligia’s Day. And all the many others, like Sheep Naming Week, Cheese Chasing Day and Flouncing Weekend. Life as a poor peasant is hard enough without something to look forward to. Why shouldn’t our children have some fun and get presents?’
Harmonica and the three Prung children approach
‘You really should listen to our good friend, Vibart. These are strange and dangerous times. What would happen to us if you get taken away by the King’s horrible men? It could happen; there are voles everywhere in the fields.’
Jaimee and Chlooey and Oslo whisper to themselves and giggle
‘Oh mother, you don’t really believe that! Voles can only squeak!’
Oslo runs around pretending to be a squeaky vole, until Vibart’s glare makes him stop. He makes a silly face behind Vibart’s back.
‘That is just an old wives’ tale, mother. Everyone knows that it is local busybodies who tell on people to get paid by Sideborg. They get a whole barrel of turnips sometimes.’ (The children all look at Vibart accusingly)
‘We don’t know of any busybodies in this village, do we? Anyone with a special fondness for turnip stew…?’
‘There was that time at the Bumpton Spring Fair when ‘someone’ reported Jaimee for cheating. Said he won the children’s race by having a coating of magic grasshopper dust on his springs. The mayor of Bumpton disqualified him. Of course, people blamed it on voles telling tales. But we all know who it really was.’
‘And I didn’t cheat. I was just much better at bouncing on springs than your son, Boris Vibart. I’d practised for months. Boris left it to the very last minute, kept falling over.’
Vibart looks uncomfortable, tries to change the subject
‘Er…Such fine weather we are having, don’t you agree. Perfect for a spot of cloudberry gathering…’
‘I totally agree, my old pal…let us all go gathering cloudberries. We can have a delicious cloudberry pie tonight to celebrate St Epiligia’s Day… and we must leave some out for the voles…it is an ancient tradition.’
The voles at the side of the stage jump up and down delighted at the thought of pie.
Vibart shakes his head sadly, there is nothing he can do to stop Thrung from going against the king’s wishes and they all go offstage leaving the village empty.
WHEATLEY, SWEETPEA, SIDEBORG and VOLES
‘That horrid man is snatching the children’s toys away from them! Is there anything you can do to stop this, Princess Sweetpea?’
‘I wish I could but I am worried I will make things worse for our poor people. And please don’t call me by that silly name, Wheatley.
‘But what shall I call you, your highness? It is a very pretty name.’
‘Oh anything would be better than that. Sweetpea would be a lovely name for a flower fairy but I am just an ordinary, royal girl. I wish I was brave enough to stand up to my parents and to that horrible Sideborg…I am sure it was he who suggests all the nasty things that happen in the kingdom. Like banning anybody not royal from wearing pink clothes or eating sweets.
‘I must admit to missing sweets…especially chocolate eclairs….and liquorice allsorts’
Mmmmm…And sherbet lemons and jelly babies…’ She pauses to remember them
‘I miss sweets and I do not like my name. I hate having to wear pink all the time because it is a colour only the royal family are allowed to wear now. If only we could get rid of Sideborg, I am sure things will be happier in the kingdom.’
‘Shhhh, your highness…he’s heading our way.’
Sideborg saunters over with an evil grin, he bows to the Princess and sneers at Wheatley. He grabs the toy vole from her hands.
‘I’ll take that! Apologies, your highness….these are the Queen’s wise orders. These silly trinkets are of no point now his Majesty has banned all St Epiliga’s Day celebrations.’
‘I do not believe you, my father would never order you to steal all the children’s toy voles. He still has his own ones from when he was a little boy. He keeps them on a special shelf in his office and his favourite one on his bed.’
‘How fascinating, I must tell the Queen, I am sure she will also want them removed and destroyed. Such a silly festival. I am glad it will never be celebrated again and the ordinary people will have one less reason not to work. Anyway, none of this should concern you. Not now…’
He leaves, smirking and rubbing his hands together… the voles approach Sweetpea
Oh how lovely, such sweet little animals.’
‘If only we knew what they were saying, they do seem to be trying to tell you something.’
Sweetpea bends down and the voles squeak urgently to her, she does understand what they are squeaking.
She walks downstage to be out of Wheatley’s hearing who leaves the stage, then she returns to the dais to address the audience